On a Rant- be back as soon as the phone starts working

Ladies and Gents,

New phones are a drag. Honestly.
I had to get one when my old one up and died. I didn't even do anything! It just up and died, I swear.
ANYWAY.
This new one is all touch screen.
I tried to get my old one, but they didn't make it anymore.
I can't figure out how to use it.
Every time I get a text, email, or notification (HOW DOES IT KNOW MY FACEBOOK PASSWORD!?)
It plays Passion Pit's "Sleepyhead".
Which conveniently plays very loudly, because I can't figure out how to work the damn volume buttons.
My friends decided it would be funny if they switched numbers, so X texts me telling me that she's Y.
I texted who I thought was Y for a while.
Until she started sounding like X.
And on top of that, I can't text properly.
I told someone that I wanted them to return my purple sausage, fine thank you.
Purple Notebook.
For school.
Oy.
xoxo and deuces,